Friends are friends forever...

I just found out that one of my best friends has a blog as well; mostly she posts about her mom's illness and radiation treatments. But I accidentally came across the blog and was filled with such nostalgia for my hometown and long-time friends. I have lots of wonderful friends here, but there is something so sweet and special about having people in your life for ALL of your life who know you as well as you know yourself and with whom you do not have to say a word to know exactly what the other is thinking -- even after not spending time with them in YEARS! I have a couple of friends like that -- we have been best of friends since we were about 5 years old (Yes, that was a LONG time ago) and have been through fights, boyfriend problems, sickness, family crisis and death, laughter, stress, driving mishaps and police stops, scavenger hunts, home appliance malfunctions, beach escapades, more laughter, and all sorts of things in between. What I really miss is the laughter! My best memories involve Paula and Anita and silliness, pure and simple. There is probably not one thing that would be funny to anyone else but they bring tears to my eyes and a smile to my face just thinking about those times! I wish I had friends like that here; I love all of my friends so much, but I do not think there is REALLY one person here who knows exactly who I am, what I like, what I think, etc. -- not even my husband, and that makes me a little sad. I guess as adults we get so wrapped up in our jobs, families, hobbies, etc. that we just come to adapt to one identity; at least that is what I feel like sometimes. Some time ago I guess I stopped being Kathi and became my kids' mom, my husband's wife, the teacher, the person in the plays, the person in the choir who sings occassionally, and whatever else I am. I feel a little lost sometimes as just me. I thank God, though, for the wonderful friends He has given me, both from many moons ago to those I am just beginning to know.

I just wasted a few more minutes looking at other people's blogs, and I feel so out of touch and sad that I am not in any of those pictures or even know what the characters are really saying!! I really miss being in Cinderella -- not because I have nothing else to do and am sitting home bored, but because I really miss hanging out with the people in the cast, going to Shoney's at closing time, laughing at the little quirks and sayings of the director and others in the cast, finding the littlest things funny, getting all nervous before going on stage, knowing everybody else's lines and songs except my own, being back stage and quoting the lines with the actors on stage, the pre-show meetings with everyone, hearing the audience laugh the first night and know that all the work was completely worth the effort, seeing all the costume and characters gradually come to life during tech week and dress rehearsals, and so much more! I can't wait to see the show -- I know it will be great and, in the words of OMT, "magical"! Break a leg, everyone! You will be GREAT!!

There are many parts of my job that I like, but there seem to be more and more that I dislike. One thing that I never thought I would say in my life is that I really have come to hate reading! I love to read, but I am so tired of reading books to teach in the future, reading things that I am currently teaching, reading essays, reading tests, reading research papers, reading AP tests, reading supplemental works to go along with what we are reading, and reading, reading, reading. I think that is why I haven't checked my blog and posted for so long -- I really do not want to read another thing. The only reason I am on the computer right now is that I am avoiding reading 3 sets of essays, a very long test with all "short" answer questions, and a set of first drafts of research papers. Luckily, my classes are small this time, so it really only amounts to about 60 papers total, but I still can't work up enough energy and desire to even start. I then feel guilty that I am being lazy, but I just feel like crying when I think about grading them!!!!!

And again...

WOW! I really have to stop starting my blogs with "It's been a long time!"

It's Been a LONG time!

Wow! I had not realized that it is now going on February and I have not even been on my own site for almost 2 months! December was a crazy month with Christmas and such, January has gone in a blink with snowdays, final exams, getting ready for new classes, starting new classes, birthdays, working 4 nights a week, etc. WHEW!

Anyway, I am still alive, I am still busy, and I am still enjoying my house. I, however, am sorely missing play practice and the people involved; I have never NOT done a show by choice, and I am very sad that I am unable to do this one. It is still for the best, I know, and I can't wait to see the magic from the audience's perspective! It will be GREAT!

OK! The last thing on our house (or at least the last big thing that we had paid for and we were waiting to have done) is now completed!!! Our driveway is now paved and is SO much better than spinning my wheels and having to back down the hill. Now people can actually drive up to my front door to visit!! Hallelujah and Merry Christmas! It may be the only thing we will get for Christmas, and may not mean as much to my kids as a new toy, but it is still wonderful! :)

Also, I will have more pictures coming soon since several people have said they have been waiting for them.

I have a couple of friends right now who are going through some really difficult family problems, and as I find myself thinking and praying for them daily I have been thinking about a few things:

First, people are going to disappoint you. It is inevitable, I guess. The ones we care about the most can inflict the most pain by breaking our hearts. It makes me scared sometimes to think about the possibility that I could wake up one day and things could be completely turned upside down. I guess that is when faith kicks in and you learn to depend on God.

Second, everyone is going to face something tough. I have lived in a relatively peaceful little bubble my whole life; I have had family members affected by illness, but not me personally so far. I have had grandparents and distant relatives die, but not unexpectedly or those that had a profound effect on me. I have been thinking lately that I seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop -- that I am living as though I am expecting something bad to happen to me because nothing really has yet. I do not know if this is a good way to live or not -- it has made me take each moment more seriously, but I think it is a little morbid too.

Third, forgiveness is not impossible but it is very difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes hold on to hurt feelings -- I may not always show it on the outside, but I feel it on the inside. I do not hold grudges, but I do not let go of wounded feelings. However, I have a couple of people that I really admire that I have seen be emotionally devastated by someone and still go on to forgive and continue to love that person. I think about one that I know whose spouse was having an affair. Me, I would want to kill my husband and other woman, I would want to see them punished, I would want to nurse my wounded heart by wallowing in self-pity and tears, I would be suspicious and would say the marriage is over because I cannot get past the hurt. However, I think of my friend who wears a smile most days and who is working very hard to keep the marriage together through counseling and forgiveness. My friend is an inspiration to me about the love of God and the way we are supposed to be and how I fall short of that.

I guess we should all be thankful for what we do have as long as we have them, but realize that life is short and nothing is forever except God. I think that just might change the way I live and the value I place on certain things.