Homesick

North Carolina has been my home for 19 1/2 years now; this is where I met my husband 19
years ago; this is where my kids were born, where my husband and I had our homes together, where my beautiful NEW home is, where I have been for more than half my life. Why, oh, why am I feeling very homesick? It is not the obvious answer of warmer weather in Florida-- that never has entered my mind this last month. I am not quite sure what it is, but for the last month I have been weepy and depressed and very homesick. For about the 6th time in the last month I have suddenly realized that I am crying and have no explanation as to why. I am not so sure it is really for Florida at all, or even so much as for my family (although that is definitely part of it since I have missed spending the last 2 Christmases with them); instead, I think it might be more like nostalgia for a time in my life where I did not have responsibilities and had friends to hang out with almost every night. I long for that time where I could just laugh and hang out with people who know me and love me and be myself, with no worries. I really miss socializing with people and feel sad that I have very few people I can do that with anymore. I think I also miss feeling excited about life in general. Now don't get me wrong, I am not having a pity party for myself or anything -- I have wonderful friends! I just long to be 18 again, full of life, driving a fast/sporty little car instead of a minivan, nothing to worry about except what we will all do tomorrow night, riding along with the radio cranked up singing at the top of my lungs to some silly song (though I currently do that to some silly musical numbers), going to the beach or out in a boat for some adventure, staying up till early in the morning at friends' houses because we were up giggling most of the night or watching some silly movie (instead of thinking how I will NEVER get up in the morning if I don't fall asleep before 11:00!), and just all around having a good time. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life now, and my husband (wonderful as he is to me) doesn't understand because this is the only place he has ever had any roots. He moved around so much growing up that THIS is his home. I feel like I am caught between 2 worlds and 2 lives. I love my husband and kids and my friends now, but I am never silly anymore, my husband doesn't giggle with me or sing along at the top of his lungs (of course, that might be a good thing -- it IS kind of a scary thought now that I have said it!), that when I do something that is a little different I get weird looks from people around me, that my life is routine and most of the time mundane, and that I will never be able to go back to that time in my life where I feel spontaneous/silly/accepted/whatever. Alas, I guess this all comes with getting old and feeling old -- I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!

A blur...

It is very true that the older you get the more quickly time passes. 2008 is really kind of a blur for me. I've read friends' blogs where each recapped the highlights or significant events of the last year, and I started thinking through the past year for me. Either I am really boring because nothing signifacant happened to me or I just can't remember anything -- another sign of old age, I'm afraid! 2008 seemed to fly by but at the same time, as I look back at it, I feel like January was forever ago. At the beginning of the year I was teaching school and waiting tables, I had a student teacher a couple of days a week, I started working on my National Board certification, I missed out on doing Cinderella, I started preparing for opening my store and suffered through the waiting and slow process of the building completion and lived with a store full of inventory in my house for many months, I celebrated 15 years of marriage, I got to yell a lot and hit people as Lucy in Charlie Brown, I got to see some old friends VERY briefly for a sad occassion, I had my first real accident when my car got rear-ended, I FINALLY moved into and opened the store, and the rest is more of the same. See? boring! Before Christmas I spoke to a girl that I used to be great friends with as a kid; she and I have not had any contact for at least 20 years, so when she called me out of the blue and we started catching up she kept asking me, "So, what have you DONE the last 20 years?" After I told her I got married, started teaching, had 2 kids, built a new house, and opened a store I had nothing else to say. She asked what I did in my spare time/for fun, and I told her I did plays a couple of times a year. She asked me what else I did, and I did not know what to say. I teach, I run the store, I do piles of dirty dishes and laundry, I play games with my kids, I grade way too many papers, I take my kids to gymnastics and sports practice, I try to make it to a few of my husband's baseball games, I go to play practice and performances, and I try to sleep 7 hours a night. There is no other time to do anything else; I guess that is what makes my life and the last year such a blur. It is fun all the same though! :)